“Success is not the key to happiness.
Happiness is the key to success.
If you love what you are doing,
you will be successful.”
- Albert Schweitzer

How To Tell if Someone Is Lying to You

A Few Simple, Telltale Signs That You Might Not Be Getting the Truth

From little white lies to nation-destroying omissions, lying has been around as long as the truth. And while lying has a rich history, the vast majority of humanity, almost all of the time, tells the truth. And why not? It is far easier, creates an atmosphere of trust, and facilitates a stable society. But every now and again, you get the sneaking suspicion that the person across from you isn’t giving it to you straight.

So how do you tell if you’re being lied to? Before we cover that, we have to ask two important questions.

The first question is: Do you really want to know? Some people willingly blind themselves and accept a lie as fact solely because the truth might be too painful to handle.

On the other hand, some people are so desperate to believe that the painful truth is a lie that they will see “signs of lying” where none exist.

The first step to discovering a lie, then, is to be aware of your personal feelings about the subject. In other words, what is your involvement in this possible lie?

The second question is: Why would this person lie to you? What is at stake here? Maybe he is afraid of being punished, or of the loss of the ability to obtain what he desires (for instance, your business), or, ironically, he is afraid he will lose your trust.

In order to really be accurate in spotting a lie, you must be aware of the other person’s motivations for lying to you, including what you might do to him if you knew the truth.

An example of this is a child lying to a parent to avoid being grounded: He is desperately avoiding the punishment he is certain the truth would bring. The parent, being aware of this, is in a better position to gauge the child’s lie.

So, you want to know, you’re certain he has a reason and you’ve got the feeling that he is hiding the truth? Let’s test that theory…with science!

1. Know how he talks normally. The first step to reading a liar’s body language is to know his normal, everyday conversational habits. This is referred to as someone’s “baseline” behavior – normal eye, hand and body movements during a pleasant conversation in which there is no pressure or lying. This will allow you to detect variations when the lie occurs, without mistaking a naturally awkward or shy person for a chronic liar.

2. Notice how stress influences his patterns. It is notoriously difficult to tell the difference between a person who has been put on the spot (that is, under stress and pressure), and an out-and-out liar. This is because most of the tell-tale signs of lying are based around the fact that telling a lie is a stressful event on the body and mind – it seems humans are not built for distorting the truth, and forcing that situation has recognizable repercussions.

3. Look for the signs. This is a list of the most common “tells” that people have while attempting to lie. Again, note that most of these also occur when someone is feeling stressed by the conversation.

   • Little to no body movement. People will sometimes “freeze,” not quite facing the other person, and will move as little as possible during the lie. Alternatively, some people will fight this by being overly dramatic, moving the body much more than normal to try and “sell” the lie.

   • No eye contact. A lot of information is conveyed through eye contact, and most people have an extremely hard time lying to someone while looking directly into his eyes. Sometimes this will only occur at the moment of the lie, a brief glance at the floor or to the right. Again, some will try to sell the lie by making and maintaining eye contact fiercely, much more so than usual.

   • Stress gestures (rapid blinking, scratching, itching, swallowing, fidgeting, etc.). If discovered, a deception carries much greater risk of punishment than simply telling the truth, and people understand this. This uncomfortable situation will make them uncomfortable, and they will act accordingly.

   • Looking up to the right. Looking up and to the right stimulates the part of the brain associated with imagination (that is, making things up), whereas looking up and to the left stimulates the part of the brain associated with recalling memories (that is, telling the truth).

   • Touching the nose and covering the face/mouth. Habits from childhood, these gestures are a subconscious attempt to “cover up” the lie, and put distance between the liar and you.

   • Rise in vocal pitch. Another product of stress, the liar’s voice will get higher and squeaky. This should be noticeable if you are familiar with his normal speaking voice.

   • Wide-eyed, innocent look. Another product of childhood fibs, based on the “who, me?” fake innocence usually associated with a kid denying he has his hand in the cookie jar while it is still in there.

   • A noticeable pause in speaking. Most people lack the ability to come up with a plausible fiction in an instant, so they have to take a moment to think something up. This results in a pause, usually right before the lie itself, while they desperately reach for something other than the truth. Careful questioning will reveal variations in their story, as a consistent fiction is hard to remember, whereas actual events are usually easy to recall.

4. Lying by omission. Sometimes a lie will happen by not speaking – that is, the liar omits an important piece of information from an otherwise truthful statement. However, this omission will, in the mind of the liar, poison the “truthful” statement, thus rendering it a lie. The above signs will still be present, with the addition of more obvious signs after he has finished talking. (An example: After talking in a relatively truthful manner, he falls silent and immediately looks away, covering his mouth and fidgeting.)

5. Ask. A risky maneuver, as a person who is telling the truth may be horribly offended. Sometimes, however, a liar will come clean if given the chance to, as he realizes that continuing to lie when you know he’s doing so would be far worse than just admitting the lie.

6. Trust your intuition. Notice I say “intuition” and not “desire.” Most people have a pretty decent “lie detector” built in, and if you trust it, it can usually point the way. However, some people may want to believe they are being lied to, and they mistake this desire for “a gut feeling.” So before you start accusing anyone of a lie, make sure you’re not trying to project your desire on an innocent person.

Using the above steps, you should be able to determine the difference between a lie and the truth to a much more accurate degree. And while we may not have an answer to how to define truth for certain, we will at least be able to tell if the other person feels like he is lying…and if it feels like a lie, it probably is.

Good luck!

Ron’s first book, The Sharp Knife of Forced Simplicity, Volume 1: The Numinous Rebellion hits online stores Fall ‘08!

Caution:

Looking for lies obsessively will yield many…sometimes some that are not even there.

A belief that everyone always tells the truth will not foster an atmosphere of trust.

While you’re looking for a lie in someone, he may be looking for one in you!

Quick Tips:

Look for unusual eye contact – too much or far too little.

Professional liars can correct for almost all tells, so be wary.

When in doubt, ask.

—

Useful Links:

Wikipedia on Lying

Eye Direction and Lying

Ramadan Mubarak

prepared By:Randa El-Adawi

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۞• رمضان مبارك • ۞
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:::::::::::::::::::: Happy Ramadan :::::::::::::::::::::::

How to Be Yourself

Be yourself; everyone else is already taken. — Oscar Wilde

It’s quite possibly the most commonly used phrase in the history of advice: Be yourself. But it’s such a vague adage. What do they really mean when they tell you to be yourself? And is it really as easy as it sounds?

Steps

1. Find yourself. You can’t be yourself if you don’t know, understand, and accept yourself first. Try to take time to yourself and contemplate on your life and choices. Try and think about what kind of things you would or wouldn’t like to do, and act accordingly; finding out through trial and error helps more than you might think it does. You can even take personality tests, but be careful to only take what you want from them and not let them define you. Work on accepting mistakes and choices you’ve made; they’re done and in the past, so there is no use crying over spilled milk.
2. Stop caring about how people perceive you. The fact is, it really doesn’t matter. It’s impossible to be yourself when you’re caught up in wondering “Do they think I’m funny? Does she think I’m fat? Do they think I’m stupid?” To be yourself, you’ve got to let go of these concerns and just let your behavior flow, with only your consideration of others as a filter—not their consideration of you. Besides, if you change yourself for one person or group, another person or group may not like you, and you could go around in a vicious cycle trying to please people; it’s totally pointless in the end. However, if someone you trust and respect critiques aspects of who you are, feel free to judge (honestly) whether or not it is accurate instead of dismissing the critique automatically or accepting it indefinitely.
3. Be honest and open. What have you got to hide? We’re all imperfect, growing, learning human beings. If you feel ashamed or insecure about any aspect of yourself—and you feel that you have to hide those parts of you, whether physically or emotionally—then you have to come to terms with that and learn to convert your so-called flaws into individualistic quirks. Be honest with yourself, but don’t beat yourself up; apply this philosophy to others, as well. There is a difference between being critical and being honest; learn to watch the way you say things to yourself and others when being honest.
4. 

   Relax. Stop worrying about the worst that could happen, especially in social situations. So what if you fall flat on your face? Or get spinach stuck in your teeth? Learn to laugh at yourself both when it happens and afterwards. Turn it into a funny story that you can share with others. It lets them know that you’re not perfect and makes you feel more at ease, too. It’s also an attractive quality for someone to be able to laugh at themselves and not take themselves too seriously!

5. Develop and express your individuality. Whether it’s your sense of style, or even your manner of speaking, if your preferred way of doing something strays from the mainstream, then be proud of it… unless its destructive to yourself or others. Be a character, not a type.
6. Have a Productive Day. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and that some days, you’re the statue. People might raise eyebrows and even make fun, but as long as you can shrug and say “Hey, that’s just me” and leave it at that, people will ultimately respect you for it, and you’ll respect yourself.
7. Believe in who you are. If you’re always working to be someone you’re not, you’ll never be a happy person. Be yourself and show the world you’re proud of the way you are! Nobody knows you better than you and that’s how it should be. You deserve to be your own best friend, so start trying to figure out how you can do that. If you had to hang out with yourself for a day, what is the most fun type of person you could be, while still being yourself? What is the best version of you? Believe in this idea and use that as your starting point.

Tips

• There’s a difference between being yourself and being rude. You might have your opinions, dreams, and preferences, but so does everyone else. You shouldn’t disrespect people who disagree with you; they have the privilege of being themselves just as you do.
• If fads or trends strike your fancy, don’t avoid them! Being yourself is all about reflecting who you are inside in what you do, and what you like is what you like, no matter how trendy it is (or not trendy, for that matter)!
• As the famous song goes, “Life’s not worth a damn until you can say, I am what I am” – when you can sincerely say it, you will know that you can be yourself.
• If you don’t agree with someone’s opinion, you don’t need to argue their point or be rude about it, and don’t just act like you agree either because then you would be acting falsely.
• Even if you are interested in something that doesn’t interest most people, don’t be afraid or hide it; stand up and show your true inner self. People will know how confident you are.
• Don’t worry about anything but being yourself and living life to the fullest!

“Everyone who got to where they are
had to begin where they were.”
- Richard Paul Evans

“It has been my philosophy of life that
difficulties vanish when faced boldly.”
- Isaac Asimov

“You are a living magnet. What you attract
into your life is in harmony with
your dominant thoughts.”
- Brian Tracy

“It’s time to start living the life
you’ve imagined”
- Henry James